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Some of the Magic in the Walk on the Beach
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Some of the Magic in the Walk on the Beach
There is a feeling within you that you are not moving forward in your life in the way you would truly like to. You feel stuck in some old and habitual behavior. You want to feel "free" to move "easily" in your life. However, right now you are not sure why, but you aren't. So, you call me and make an appointment for A Walk on the Beach With Craig...
You identify some of the events in your life that seem to keep you stuck. Some people have had abusive childhoods, dysfunctional families, abusive spouses, traumatic events in their lives, serious illnesses, serious injuries, addictive behaviors, deaths in their families, feelings of major loss.
After identifying these trauma's, I will ask you to speak to yourself about them. If you want to share them with me you are free to do so, but it is not a requirement. Once you have identified them, I am going to ask you to dig a hole in the sand. For just the duration of our Walk on the Beach, I will ask you to place all of these past emotions, feelings, and thoughts in the hole and cover them with sand. You are welcome to dig them back up when we finish, if you feel so inclined, and take them with you. Each person makes their own decision regarding this!
Now, we are going to go for our Walk on the Beach: First as a seven year old! We will start at this incredibly imaginative age and progress your maturing, in seven year cycles up to your present age. We are going to explore the history of your Walk. There will be many gifts to you from the Ocean and the Beach. There will be a time of emotion, of physical feeling, of thinking, and of spirituality. Come prepared to laugh and to experience joy and release.
The Walk on the Beach With Craig is a Transformational Experience, one you will never forget!
If you read more, I will share with you a little bit of the how The Walk on the Beach all started...
Let me share with you a brief story:
All of my life I have been exploring life from an analytical perspective. I have a deep desire to know the what and why of life. I believe my search, along with some of the solutions and conclusions I have discovered have impressed those with whom I am close friends.
A couple of years ago, a very dear friend of mine approached me and asked for my help. She had just been diagnosed with Graves Disease, a Hyperthyroid Disease. She was extremely fearful of how this disease was going to affect the rest of her life. She had known me for a period of time and had witnessed the influence I had on people who had shared their painful stories with me. So, she asked me if I would help her. I said Yes, I would be honored to help her!
After asking her some medical questions about Graves Disease, I remembered how healing the beach had always been for her, so, I invited her to meet me at the La Jolla Shores Beach. As I drove to La Jolla Shores Beach, I sincerely had no idea how I was going to help her. So, as I drove I said, over and over, again..."I give it to God"..."I give it to God". She was not yet there when I arrived at the Life Guard station. So, I sat on the sea wall and allowed my eyes to close and focused on my spiritual center. As I did, a light seemed to fill my eyes as the warmth of the sun began to generate heat within me. When I opened my eyes, there was my friend, Linda, walking towards me.
Since I was accustomed to viewing Linda as a young, beautiful and vivacious woman, I was somewhat surprised to see the state of mind she was expressing. She was not walking with that confident and athletic bounce I was fond of seeing, nor did her eyes have that friendly and youthful sparkle I always enjoy when I see her. It was as if an important Soulful part of her was not present. So, I took a deep breath...stood up from my meditation and welcomed her with a hug. I gave her my smile and realized immediately this was not a time she felt like smiling. She appeared fearful and agitated, although pleased to see me.
I needed time with her to feel more about how I might best help her...so I asked her to walk North with me on the boardwalk...and, I just listened to her. She described her diagnosis. I listened! She relayed many fearful stories that the doctor's had told her. I listened some more...and I finally felt a strong energy within me....
So, I expressed to her that I had a plan for our visit. I asked her to trust me and to do as I instructed. She agreed to do so and we stepped off of the boardwalk onto the sand and thus began, A Walk on the Beach with Craig....
Linda and Ihad a magical experience on the beach. Her attitude about her current life challenge was much improved. Her personal respect for her own personal power seemed to be restored.
Linda is a very dear person . She no longer has Graves Disease. I hope you will read her book, Jump and the Joy Will Follow. She has dedicated this portion of her life to teaching people how to live a healthy and energetic life at any age. As a result of Linda "asking for help", I was gifted with an incredible process for releasing my clients from the depths of their fear, from the burden's and scars left behind from their childhood or a traumatic episode in their life. One of the miracles for me during these walks is the feeling I receive as the wisdom flows through me. I am not thinking, I am being inspired with each step we both take. I feel a vibrant energy. Each time I accompany someone on their walk, I experience their transformation, as well. There appears to be a release of breath as I experience the "ah hah" shift taking place. It is truly a delight for me to share a Walk on the Beach with you.
Each Walk on the Beach with Craig...has the same original inspired and gifted format, however, each person's story is different. Like the thrust of the waves on the shore, I have observed the interaction of the participants and experienced it as profound...somewhat intervening...often clarifying and inspiring...playful. A Walk on the Beach with Craig seems to evoke every emotion that is possible.
It appears to me that for many people, no matter what their age, they are seeking "validation and satisfaction." I know I am. Let me help you by walking with you to learn to live, as, my friend, Robert A. Johnson wrote, those "Unlived" parts of your life. Allow me to offer to you an enlightening way to "navigate your transitions" as you grow older so you can "secure your own relationship with wholeness" So, please come join me...Don't hesitate...Take a Walk on the Beach with Craig...
I am a compassionate, innovative and creative personal coach! I have participated and personally witnessed the solving of mysteries. I truly enjoy looking through the symbolic veils that reveal your path and lead you to your greatness.
I have enjoyed the personal and intimate experience of leading people during this time on a path which allows them to work through many of their life's issues. Issues and history that interfere with their moving forward in life.
For over 30 years I have been involved in the solving of many of the infamous legal and criminal cases in San Diego. Through my consulting work I have enjoyed visiting other cultures.
In my youth I had an opportunity to swim in the Olympics and express myself as one of the fastest swimmers in the world. I was unable to accept that invitation and path at the time. This experience has provided many lessons.
I truly love creating meals for people. Nurturing takes so many different forms. Sensuality is best when shared under candle light.
I have always loved dancing and can help you to dance with your partner skillfully without running off the dance floor. My wish is for you to always hear the music and to stay in the dance. The dance of life. Even if you break your knee! Even if you lose your life for a short period of time, return and engage yourself.
My plantsnever complain to me. The flowers and trees in my yard are such a compliment to the sound of classical music and the many tastes of a French picnic. A gourmet gardener and a gourmet cook seemed to dance so well in concert with each other.
WHY AM I QUALIFIED TO COACH YOU?
I am qualified to coach you because I am gifted with a very informative and sincere intuition.
I have been a student of the multiple disciplines of psychology since 1970.
I have participated as a therapy client over the last 37 years with prominent and respected therapists... I feel my time spent as a client in therapy has provided me with a hands on experience from your point of view that is invaluable to me when I am coaching you. I can walk in your shoes or invite you to walk in mine.
I have worked in an acute mental health setting and received intensive training working with a broad spectrum of clients.
I enjoyed success working in an acute juvenile setting.
I have had several near death experiences and thus have experienced crossing over to the other side.
I have been blessed with the opportunity to spend time and learn from people who personnally knew Mahatma Ghandhi, Carl Jung, Carl Rogers, Herbert Maslow, Paramahansa Yogananda, Krishnamurti, and many others.
I had the incredible individuating experience of working in therapy with Robert A. Johnson, the author of many books on Jungian psychology. Had I not met Robert Johnson I would have never known about our journey to wholeness.
My learning from David and Rebecca Grudermeyer regarding anger has been invaluable to the work I do.
I am blessed by the wisdom of the women I have loved.
The Walk On The Beach With Craig
Some of the Magic in the Walk on the Beach
What happens on the Walk on the Beach with Craig?
There is a feeling within you that you are not moving forward in your life in the way you would truly like to. You feel stuck in some old and habitual behavior. You want to feel "free" to move "easily" in your life. However, right now you are not sure why, but you aren't. So, you call me and make an appointment for A Walk on the Beach With Craig...
You identify some of the events in your life that seem to keep you stuck. Some people have had abusive childhoods, dysfunctional families, abusive spouses, traumatic events in their lives, serious illnesses, serious injuries, addictive behaviors, deaths in their families, feelings of major loss.
After identifying these trauma's, I will ask you to speak to yourself about them. If you want to share them with me you are free to do so, but it is not a requirement. Once you have identified them, I am going to ask you to dig a hole in the sand. For just the duration of our Walk on the Beach, I will ask you to place all of these past emotions, feelings, and thoughts in the hole and cover them with sand. You are welcome to dig them back up when we finish, if you feel so inclined, and take them with you. Each person makes their own decision regarding this!
Now, we are going to go for our Walk on the Beach: First as a seven year old! We will start at this incredibly imaginative age and progress your maturing, in seven year cycles up to your present age. We are going to explore the history of your Walk. There will be many gifts to you from the Ocean and the Beach. There will be a time of emotion, of physical feeling, of thinking, and of spirituality. Come prepared to laugh and to experience joy and release.
The Walk on the Beach With Craig is a Transformational Experience, one you will never forget!
If you read more, I will share with you a little bit of the how The Walk on the Beach all started...
JUST WHAT IS A WALK ON THE BEACH WITH CRAIG
Let me share with you a brief story:
All of my life I have been exploring life from an analytical perspective. I have a deep desire to know the what and why of life. I believe my search, along with some of the solutions and conclusions I have discovered have impressed those with whom I am close friends.
A couple of years ago, a very dear friend of mine approached me and asked for my help. She had just been diagnosed with Graves Disease, a Hyperthyroid Disease. She was extremely fearful of how this disease was going to affect the rest of her life. She had known me for a period of time and had witnessed the influence I had on people who had shared their painful stories with me. So, she asked me if I would help her. I said Yes, I would be honored to help her!
After asking her some medical questions about Graves Disease, I remembered how healing the beach had always been for her, so, I invited her to meet me at the La Jolla Shores Beach. As I drove to La Jolla Shores Beach, I sincerely had no idea how I was going to help her. So, as I drove I said, over and over, again..."I give it to God"..."I give it to God". She was not yet there when I arrived at the Life Guard station. So, I sat on the sea wall and allowed my eyes to close and focused on my spiritual center. As I did, a light seemed to fill my eyes as the warmth of the sun began to generate heat within me. When I opened my eyes, there was my friend, Linda, walking towards me.
Since I was accustomed to viewing Linda as a young, beautiful and vivacious woman, I was somewhat surprised to see the state of mind she was expressing. She was not walking with that confident and athletic bounce I was fond of seeing, nor did her eyes have that friendly and youthful sparkle I always enjoy when I see her. It was as if an important Soulful part of her was not present. So, I took a deep breath...stood up from my meditation and welcomed her with a hug. I gave her my smile and realized immediately this was not a time she felt like smiling. She appeared fearful and agitated, although pleased to see me.
I needed time with her to feel more about how I might best help her...so I asked her to walk North with me on the boardwalk...and, I just listened to her. She described her diagnosis. I listened! She relayed many fearful stories that the doctor's had told her. I listened some more...and I finally felt a strong energy within me....
So, I expressed to her that I had a plan for our visit. I asked her to trust me and to do as I instructed. She agreed to do so and we stepped off of the boardwalk onto the sand and thus began, A Walk on the Beach with Craig....
Linda and Ihad a magical experience on the beach. Her attitude about her current life challenge was much improved. Her personal respect for her own personal power seemed to be restored.
Linda is a very dear person . She no longer has Graves Disease. I hope you will read her book, Jump and the Joy Will Follow. She has dedicated this portion of her life to teaching people how to live a healthy and energetic life at any age. As a result of Linda "asking for help", I was gifted with an incredible process for releasing my clients from the depths of their fear, from the burden's and scars left behind from their childhood or a traumatic episode in their life. One of the miracles for me during these walks is the feeling I receive as the wisdom flows through me. I am not thinking, I am being inspired with each step we both take. I feel a vibrant energy. Each time I accompany someone on their walk, I experience their transformation, as well. There appears to be a release of breath as I experience the "ah hah" shift taking place. It is truly a delight for me to share a Walk on the Beach with you.
Each Walk on the Beach with Craig...has the same original inspired and gifted format, however, each person's story is different. Like the thrust of the waves on the shore, I have observed the interaction of the participants and experienced it as profound...somewhat intervening...often clarifying and inspiring...playful. A Walk on the Beach with Craig seems to evoke every emotion that is possible.
It appears to me that for many people, no matter what their age, they are seeking "validation and satisfaction." I know I am. Let me help you by walking with you to learn to live, as, my friend, Robert A. Johnson wrote, those "Unlived" parts of your life. Allow me to offer to you an enlightening way to "navigate your transitions" as you grow older so you can "secure your own relationship with wholeness" So, please come join me...Don't hesitate...Take a Walk on the Beach with Craig...
WHO IS CRAIG COLLINS and WHY AM I QUALIFIED TO COACH YOU
I am a compassionate, innovative and creative personal coach! I have participated and personally witnessed the solving of mysteries. I truly enjoy looking through the symbolic veils that reveal your path and lead you to your greatness.
I have enjoyed the personal and intimate experience of leading people during this time on a path which allows them to work through many of their life's issues. Issues and history that interfere with their moving forward in life.
For over 30 years I have been involved in the solving of many of the infamous legal and criminal cases in San Diego. Through my consulting work I have enjoyed visiting other cultures.
In my youth I had an opportunity to swim in the Olympics and express myself as one of the fastest swimmers in the world. I was unable to accept that invitation and path at the time. This experience has provided many lessons.
I truly love creating meals for people. Nurturing takes so many different forms. Sensuality is best when shared under candle light.
I have always loved dancing and can help you to dance with your partner skillfully without running off the dance floor. My wish is for you to always hear the music and to stay in the dance. The dance of life. Even if you break your knee! Even if you lose your life for a short period of time, return and engage yourself.
My plantsnever complain to me. The flowers and trees in my yard are such a compliment to the sound of classical music and the many tastes of a French picnic. A gourmet gardener and a gourmet cook seemed to dance so well in concert with each other.
WHY AM I QUALIFIED TO COACH YOU?
I am qualified to coach you because I am gifted with a very informative and sincere intuition.
I have been a student of the multiple disciplines of psychology since 1970.
I have participated as a therapy client over the last 37 years with prominent and respected therapists... I feel my time spent as a client in therapy has provided me with a hands on experience from your point of view that is invaluable to me when I am coaching you. I can walk in your shoes or invite you to walk in mine.
I have worked in an acute mental health setting and received intensive training working with a broad spectrum of clients.
I enjoyed success working in an acute juvenile setting.
I have had several near death experiences and thus have experienced crossing over to the other side.
I have been blessed with the opportunity to spend time and learn from people who personnally knew Mahatma Ghandhi, Carl Jung, Carl Rogers, Herbert Maslow, Paramahansa Yogananda, Krishnamurti, and many others.
I had the incredible individuating experience of working in therapy with Robert A. Johnson, the author of many books on Jungian psychology. Had I not met Robert Johnson I would have never known about our journey to wholeness.
My learning from David and Rebecca Grudermeyer regarding anger has been invaluable to the work I do.
I am blessed by the wisdom of the women I have loved.
The Return to the Scene of My Accident
As I drove to La Jolla Shores, I took the route on La Jolla Shores Drive from Torrey Pines that come down from The Scripps Institute. I wanted to see the shores of the beach and all of La Jolla. I wanted to view the place I had lived and take in the big picture of where I had fallen. The tide was way out, the sky was filled with dark clouds, the surf was big with many surfers offshore near the pier. Driving towards the La Jolla Beach and Tennis Club where I had lived and near where I had fallen I parked my car in my old parking space and slowing emerged from my car. My left leg was a little stiff reminding me of how hesitant I was feeling about being here.
I reflected on that day, exactly one day ago..... where I was heading, what I had been thinking, whom I felt I was at the time...lots of thoughts. I breathed in deeply the stormy salty air...taking in with it the breath of warm air I had taken last year at this time. I walked solemnly towards the corner, checking for cars, and then I began.......began what I had started before and not finished....I was sincerely grateful that I could feel the pavement beneath both of my feet...I stretched a little....standing in the exact spot where I had fallen...remembering pain...mostly fear...lots of disappointment...interference in my IMPORTANT life...I stayed strong and in this moment...I had memory but I did not regress. I remembered and honored and released but I did not regress. I turned and looked across the street where the three people had stood watching me, waiting for me to stop screaming.....protecting themselves from experiencing my screams...fearful...feeling inadequate...I remember empowering them....I remember saying.....over and over again...THANK YOU PAIN...I AM NOT MY PAIN....PAIN PASS THROUGH ME...WHITE LIGHT FLOW THROUGH ME....GOD'S LOVE FLOW THROUGH ME....I remember, that each of those phrases was like a very long novel...not a short phrase...I remember the feeling of being in slow motion.....and remember the feeling of being in shock...but then not in shock.. so distant though.....like it wasn't me....like I am outside of my body that moment watching the scenario of someone else....somehow, again in my life, above it....looking down and seeing me on the ground. Did I learn to die each time I experience great pain.....do I die each time I hurt badly. How do I get this view from above? A phenomenon I don't understand.
The person Craig, I was at that moment yesterday, with some limited movement in my left leg and knee...with a feeling of restriction around my knee cap like a small tourniquet.... a band around my knee....that I manifest to let go some day and allow my knee to have full movement....that person, Craig, that I am right now....well, he smiled, he breathed in the ocean air, he was prepared, warmly dressed...protected. So, I moved off the road and lifted my leg over the metal chain....a little awkward at first...being very careful not to repeat last years experience in an identical manner....LOL. The gardeners had planted a thorny version of natal plum to prevent people from crossing here. It had not been here before...another obstacle....I smiled, of course...always...and I walked confidently through it as I swung my left leg over the chain...looking back to make sure the guard for the club would not be interfering. In my current, magical thinking state, I imagine my green winter parka is a cloak that allows me to disappear at will...and so, of course, no one can see me, nor will they stop me.
As, I walk away from the place where I hurt so badly....I experience a release...a release of that fear, of that moment, of that pain. I am secretly, for I am with me at this time, feel that I was brave to return here....that I returned to conquer and that I have conquered...that I have returned to have my NO heard....so that my YES, inside of me, can be heard from the mountain tops. I pledge to know no limitation, even as I feel the rain begin to drop from the sky on my face....and then I realize that some of the water dripping down my cheeks is warm not cold like the storm...and I feel I am allowing myself to cry....pretty weird, I screamed, I yelled, I was in shock....but I never cried....at least I don't remember crying...not with the morphine....I hurt...but these tears....this expression of my deep release...this was good and I am proud of them...for they signify within me...the end of a cycle...a celebration and acceptance of the milagro, of the miracle, that is our life. At that moment, as I stood in the middle of the small golf course, in the soft grass....I stood tall...and for that moment I was not conscious of my knee in any way....
So, now to complete my jog...a good place to try some jogging steps...lifting first my left leg....I actually ran....on the soft wetted grass and ground about ten steps...then 15...then 20...listening to my body...limping...favoring...but still moving...then stopped...and walked...rubbing my leg...massaging the unused muscles....thanking them for their effort.
I had wiped my tears away...the rain stopped and I walked proudly ..... to the best of my ability, without limping....making eye contact with each person I met along the way....that feeling I have when I want people to feel my love flowing towards them. I peek below their covered yes...and with mine I lift their lids up...and when they look into my eyes, I smile a very genuine smile...and for that instance, we are connected, and they often smile back...or in their own way acknowledge our connection. It is a often experience for me that we all know each other behind our eyes....that our Souls meet, not the mundane of our present incarnation....but a deeper sense of us...as our eyes meet. Much to my sadness, many will not risk allowing the vulnerability of being seen.....most likely protecting from a prior hurt.
Oh, my, I had forgotten how much I had missed the Ocean and the beach, and especially in winter. The storm has certainly wrecked havoc with the beach...leaving a deep jagged gully where there was once a flat sandy beach...the evidence of water cutting and leaving it's powerful message....that nature is king. I can't help but think of the tens of thousands of people who have perished in the midst of natures forceful taking back and reclaiming of it's land...I stop, raising my eyes to the center of my eyebrows, and I say a prayer for all of the families and loved ones that survived the tidal waves. From my very singular and small being I, feeling very inadequate, attempt to generate white light and project it to the Souls of whom I know, living in the people whom I do not know...and at that moment there is a connection...
A gleeful scream...a childlike utterance of joy...interrupts my prayer..for, as I open my eyes, I see, before me, a young boy/child running after a tennis ball his father has thrown...and then distracted from the ball he spots several seagulls resting on the beach hoping for a gift of food. Much to my delight, he is running...I get to watch a young boy run...and as he does I again attempt to run, as well, copying his awkwardness, allowing my legs to be move with uncertainty, but none-the-less, to move..and to run...forgetting for only a moment that I have some restrictions...and not wanting to over do it...and at the same time not wanting to stop frolicking with my little friend, who by this time is bound and determined to run faster than me....and LOL...does... However, I do stop...as I approach, yet another new trench. Always, I have experienced the obstacles in the sand as something to overcome and succeed passed...not to impede or interfere with my path....not to keep me from my destination or destiny. At this time in my life I smile when I come upon these trenches I smile...and walk up and down until I find the pathway across...one that will not fill my shoes with water and sand...one that I can jump across....or stretch across...or tip toe through...LOL....I am proud to say I made it to the Pier...and stood tall and erect, with my feet planted firmly in the sand, my spine straight, my hands open and receiving....looking out beneath the pylons beneath the pier...like many doors on each side....and to the end, passed the deliciously stormy Sea, to the light....that charismatic light at the end of a very symbolic tunnel...I raise my eyes to the center between my eyebrow...and I become the many particles of light in the sky...I leave behind the CRAIG person, this incarnation..and I am free...not only do I not have a broken, and now tired knee....I do not have and am not my body...I am free...astral-plaining without limitations over the waves...I am the waves..I am the many grains of sand upon the beach...I am the fish in the Sea....I am the freedom of the flight of the Seagulls and birds....time is of no importance...I am the powerful Indian Shaman that first discovered the beautiful Jewel, La Jolla...and from my CROWN SHAKRA, like the opening of the lens of a camera I have departed, a pole of white light, from my body...so do I return....return, rejuvenated, and refreshed from my sojourn....no longer is my body tired from my walk...nor am I heavy...I walk lightly...and return to my awaiting little car and the rest of my life....very thankful to be here...very thankful to be under my own power...very thankful for being alive....the wind making havoc with my hair...the salt spray tasting on my lips..the gentle rain now washing whimsically across my face.....my warmth emanating from within my very being and Soul....I still walking like the proud Indian Shaman.....who cares...who even knows...it pleases me...
On my walk back to my car I give thanks and send a deep love to my dear friends over this past year....waking up to see Jason at the bottom of my bed helping me with my sock and shoe that would not have gotten on had it not been for his incredible sacrifice each day for several months...without fail...My friend, Mitch who when I awoke in the hospital one Friday night...one of the few he ever has to just be free and not work and there he and his girlfriend are at the end near my feet...and my friend Andrew who was with me that very bleak New Years Eve in the hospital..to my dear friend Linda whom motivated me beyond my identity as broken...and to Michael and Betsy whom I awoke at 2:00 a.m. after my operation...on morphine..not knowing the time...who gave me my cell phone anyway...I apologize to everyone I called...and white light and sincere appreciation for the many friends and living angels...the true one who do not have wings...who with their love and bountiful confidence provided me the courage to survive. As I write this the many names were too many to include. If you received this I am thanking you as well, no matter where on the path of this last year we came into contact, you helped, and continue to do so by just being my friend. Thank you...
So, yesterday, December 28th, 2004 I returned to a place where I experienced broken and pain and conquered it. I returned with the magical powers of a Shaman and that of the Sea. I frolicked with and was a small child running for the many firsts of many times...I mediated under the pier...and was baptized by the rain...I am anew, my friend....and ready for what life offers me in this very moment...the precious present....Wishing you well, and Happy New Year..
I reflected on that day, exactly one day ago..... where I was heading, what I had been thinking, whom I felt I was at the time...lots of thoughts. I breathed in deeply the stormy salty air...taking in with it the breath of warm air I had taken last year at this time. I walked solemnly towards the corner, checking for cars, and then I began.......began what I had started before and not finished....I was sincerely grateful that I could feel the pavement beneath both of my feet...I stretched a little....standing in the exact spot where I had fallen...remembering pain...mostly fear...lots of disappointment...interference in my IMPORTANT life...I stayed strong and in this moment...I had memory but I did not regress. I remembered and honored and released but I did not regress. I turned and looked across the street where the three people had stood watching me, waiting for me to stop screaming.....protecting themselves from experiencing my screams...fearful...feeling inadequate...I remember empowering them....I remember saying.....over and over again...THANK YOU PAIN...I AM NOT MY PAIN....PAIN PASS THROUGH ME...WHITE LIGHT FLOW THROUGH ME....GOD'S LOVE FLOW THROUGH ME....I remember, that each of those phrases was like a very long novel...not a short phrase...I remember the feeling of being in slow motion.....and remember the feeling of being in shock...but then not in shock.. so distant though.....like it wasn't me....like I am outside of my body that moment watching the scenario of someone else....somehow, again in my life, above it....looking down and seeing me on the ground. Did I learn to die each time I experience great pain.....do I die each time I hurt badly. How do I get this view from above? A phenomenon I don't understand.
The person Craig, I was at that moment yesterday, with some limited movement in my left leg and knee...with a feeling of restriction around my knee cap like a small tourniquet.... a band around my knee....that I manifest to let go some day and allow my knee to have full movement....that person, Craig, that I am right now....well, he smiled, he breathed in the ocean air, he was prepared, warmly dressed...protected. So, I moved off the road and lifted my leg over the metal chain....a little awkward at first...being very careful not to repeat last years experience in an identical manner....LOL. The gardeners had planted a thorny version of natal plum to prevent people from crossing here. It had not been here before...another obstacle....I smiled, of course...always...and I walked confidently through it as I swung my left leg over the chain...looking back to make sure the guard for the club would not be interfering. In my current, magical thinking state, I imagine my green winter parka is a cloak that allows me to disappear at will...and so, of course, no one can see me, nor will they stop me.
As, I walk away from the place where I hurt so badly....I experience a release...a release of that fear, of that moment, of that pain. I am secretly, for I am with me at this time, feel that I was brave to return here....that I returned to conquer and that I have conquered...that I have returned to have my NO heard....so that my YES, inside of me, can be heard from the mountain tops. I pledge to know no limitation, even as I feel the rain begin to drop from the sky on my face....and then I realize that some of the water dripping down my cheeks is warm not cold like the storm...and I feel I am allowing myself to cry....pretty weird, I screamed, I yelled, I was in shock....but I never cried....at least I don't remember crying...not with the morphine....I hurt...but these tears....this expression of my deep release...this was good and I am proud of them...for they signify within me...the end of a cycle...a celebration and acceptance of the milagro, of the miracle, that is our life. At that moment, as I stood in the middle of the small golf course, in the soft grass....I stood tall...and for that moment I was not conscious of my knee in any way....
So, now to complete my jog...a good place to try some jogging steps...lifting first my left leg....I actually ran....on the soft wetted grass and ground about ten steps...then 15...then 20...listening to my body...limping...favoring...but still moving...then stopped...and walked...rubbing my leg...massaging the unused muscles....thanking them for their effort.
I had wiped my tears away...the rain stopped and I walked proudly ..... to the best of my ability, without limping....making eye contact with each person I met along the way....that feeling I have when I want people to feel my love flowing towards them. I peek below their covered yes...and with mine I lift their lids up...and when they look into my eyes, I smile a very genuine smile...and for that instance, we are connected, and they often smile back...or in their own way acknowledge our connection. It is a often experience for me that we all know each other behind our eyes....that our Souls meet, not the mundane of our present incarnation....but a deeper sense of us...as our eyes meet. Much to my sadness, many will not risk allowing the vulnerability of being seen.....most likely protecting from a prior hurt.
Oh, my, I had forgotten how much I had missed the Ocean and the beach, and especially in winter. The storm has certainly wrecked havoc with the beach...leaving a deep jagged gully where there was once a flat sandy beach...the evidence of water cutting and leaving it's powerful message....that nature is king. I can't help but think of the tens of thousands of people who have perished in the midst of natures forceful taking back and reclaiming of it's land...I stop, raising my eyes to the center of my eyebrows, and I say a prayer for all of the families and loved ones that survived the tidal waves. From my very singular and small being I, feeling very inadequate, attempt to generate white light and project it to the Souls of whom I know, living in the people whom I do not know...and at that moment there is a connection...
A gleeful scream...a childlike utterance of joy...interrupts my prayer..for, as I open my eyes, I see, before me, a young boy/child running after a tennis ball his father has thrown...and then distracted from the ball he spots several seagulls resting on the beach hoping for a gift of food. Much to my delight, he is running...I get to watch a young boy run...and as he does I again attempt to run, as well, copying his awkwardness, allowing my legs to be move with uncertainty, but none-the-less, to move..and to run...forgetting for only a moment that I have some restrictions...and not wanting to over do it...and at the same time not wanting to stop frolicking with my little friend, who by this time is bound and determined to run faster than me....and LOL...does... However, I do stop...as I approach, yet another new trench. Always, I have experienced the obstacles in the sand as something to overcome and succeed passed...not to impede or interfere with my path....not to keep me from my destination or destiny. At this time in my life I smile when I come upon these trenches I smile...and walk up and down until I find the pathway across...one that will not fill my shoes with water and sand...one that I can jump across....or stretch across...or tip toe through...LOL....I am proud to say I made it to the Pier...and stood tall and erect, with my feet planted firmly in the sand, my spine straight, my hands open and receiving....looking out beneath the pylons beneath the pier...like many doors on each side....and to the end, passed the deliciously stormy Sea, to the light....that charismatic light at the end of a very symbolic tunnel...I raise my eyes to the center between my eyebrow...and I become the many particles of light in the sky...I leave behind the CRAIG person, this incarnation..and I am free...not only do I not have a broken, and now tired knee....I do not have and am not my body...I am free...astral-plaining without limitations over the waves...I am the waves..I am the many grains of sand upon the beach...I am the fish in the Sea....I am the freedom of the flight of the Seagulls and birds....time is of no importance...I am the powerful Indian Shaman that first discovered the beautiful Jewel, La Jolla...and from my CROWN SHAKRA, like the opening of the lens of a camera I have departed, a pole of white light, from my body...so do I return....return, rejuvenated, and refreshed from my sojourn....no longer is my body tired from my walk...nor am I heavy...I walk lightly...and return to my awaiting little car and the rest of my life....very thankful to be here...very thankful to be under my own power...very thankful for being alive....the wind making havoc with my hair...the salt spray tasting on my lips..the gentle rain now washing whimsically across my face.....my warmth emanating from within my very being and Soul....I still walking like the proud Indian Shaman.....who cares...who even knows...it pleases me...
On my walk back to my car I give thanks and send a deep love to my dear friends over this past year....waking up to see Jason at the bottom of my bed helping me with my sock and shoe that would not have gotten on had it not been for his incredible sacrifice each day for several months...without fail...My friend, Mitch who when I awoke in the hospital one Friday night...one of the few he ever has to just be free and not work and there he and his girlfriend are at the end near my feet...and my friend Andrew who was with me that very bleak New Years Eve in the hospital..to my dear friend Linda whom motivated me beyond my identity as broken...and to Michael and Betsy whom I awoke at 2:00 a.m. after my operation...on morphine..not knowing the time...who gave me my cell phone anyway...I apologize to everyone I called...and white light and sincere appreciation for the many friends and living angels...the true one who do not have wings...who with their love and bountiful confidence provided me the courage to survive. As I write this the many names were too many to include. If you received this I am thanking you as well, no matter where on the path of this last year we came into contact, you helped, and continue to do so by just being my friend. Thank you...
So, yesterday, December 28th, 2004 I returned to a place where I experienced broken and pain and conquered it. I returned with the magical powers of a Shaman and that of the Sea. I frolicked with and was a small child running for the many firsts of many times...I mediated under the pier...and was baptized by the rain...I am anew, my friend....and ready for what life offers me in this very moment...the precious present....Wishing you well, and Happy New Year..